you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
