I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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