My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
