I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
