My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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