somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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