i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
