I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize