I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
