The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
