I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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