The maid of honor just puked.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
