I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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