I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
