i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
