I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
