too bad you live with your parents still
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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