I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
