So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I touched a dick in church today
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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