it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
