Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
