I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
