she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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