Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize