Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
