my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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