I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
