So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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