Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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