Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
