Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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