my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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