What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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