Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm bleeding and have questions
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
