The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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