i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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