so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
