After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
