all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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