I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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