When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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