her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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