Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
