You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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