U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
