Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
