Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
