I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
