Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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