You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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