he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i love accidental penises.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
