Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
last night I used snow as a chaser
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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