what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
