The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
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So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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