Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
