you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
