Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
