CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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